my first substack introduces itself as a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, bubbly, blog by a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, bubbly teenage girl. but i realized as i read through my archives, i’m really sad. my content, if it isn’t already on a sad topic, it’s undertones are. it’s as if i’m disguising myself.
but i don’t believe that i put up the front of a charming kind of character, i just also happen to be very melancholy. (having feelings is what makes you interesting, no?) and when i put myself out there, it’s only the “likeable” side that you get; which makes substack very unique for me in terms of my media, because i’m so honest, and i seem… depressing, underneath all of my bright smiles and girlish giggles.
i mean, this is what media is, right? putting up a front, filtering out the unideal, and putting your best self into the world, letting people know that you’re living your best life. so when you start to treat the media like a diary, you’re no longer romanticized or idealized, it’s no longer aesthetic photos and funny quips, but vulnerability. people tend to just talk about all the negative things, but show off all the positive through their eyes. being able to post photos of an event makes that positive. so posting a diary-like entry, it’s sad. if that makes sense.
okay, i’m also just a very sad person. not me, but what i experience, how i think. which makes me worry that when people find how sad i am, they’ll leave. because it's startling, i’m bright sunshine smiles until i’m salt waterfall tears. i tend to dwell more on the negative, which means my reflection, hence this blog, is always kind of sad. and it’s literally never on purpose. it’s a pattern i’ve noticed, the negative effects outlive the positive. in everything, look at our world. the sadness comes with the honesty and authenticity.
does this mean i’m going to change my content? nope! i know that substack is usually professional and it’s another media platform for others to promote themselves on, like their professions and political views, but this is what i said my substack is about, my reflection, feelings, views. living in a time where everyone sees only the likeable side of people, it makes posting onto substack a courageous thing for me. to share what i see, even if it’s not ideal and liked, without being anonymous. being sad is just a thing, what can i do about it?
i’ve lived through a lot of things, the lasting impacts are there, and i utilize them as a part of myself. so…i’m just. sad. which is okay, divorce, heartbreak, isolation, mental illness, it makes you sad.
i’m particular. so a lot of things are hard to share, especially because digital footprint. but even then, it’s important to me that i’m not just a smiley face. i have more potential than that. i’m the happy-go-lucky, cheerful, bubbly teenage girl with bright sunshine smiles, who’s sad all. the. time. cheers!